As promised, I have posted the ways we create a “Loyalty Bind” in our children under comments for last weeks workshop notes. My co-parent still continues to be non-participatory and virtually silent in the workshops and he only speaks when he is asked to read something or when he is asked a direct question.
Last week, we were asked to prepare three “polite request” for the other parent. I am including one of my request in the formate we are required to use.
Before you act on what you believe to be the meaning of something our daughter said, consider her best interest and feelings first instead of acting on your own anger and fears.
WHEN: I get blamed for every problem in your relationship with Alexis
I FEEL: Agitated, frustrated, abused and hopeless since I have never done anything to try to damage or severe your relationship with Alexis.
BECAUSE: Alexis knows in her heart the complaints she has are valid, she feels betrayed by you for not believing her or standing up for her and further, her self esteem is severely damaged because, as she phrases is, “she is bad for lying all the time, but she has too to keep from being in trouble with you”. This is very hurtful for her and since the times last year when she was repeatedly dragged off begging and pleading for you to believe her, it’s unfair for her to feel she has to bear the burden of not crying when she doesn’t want to go with you for fear of GETTING YOU in trouble. This is too much of a burden for a child her age. Early this year, she frequently talked of wanting to die rather than to live the life she has now and even made some elementary attempts to take her own life.
AND WHAT I’D LIKE IS: Before you act on what you believe to be the meaning of something Alexis said, consider ALEXIS’ best interest and feelings first instead of acting on your own anger and fears.
AND I WOULD BE WILLING TO:
I kid you not when I say that I left the last line blank on every request because I wanted to make a really loud statement about how I have no idea what he want’s from me as a co-parent. He tends to criticize everything I do, but doesn’t offer any opinion or alternative and then leaves me hanging with no idea what to do. The only request he’s ever made of me was to stop doing things I wasn’t doing to begin with.